5thWhy

In India, where big families live together and where most families live in a one or two room house, bedrooms are perceived differently. For many it’s just another room. For some, it’s the ‘private space’ where outsiders are not invited. For some- particularly those brought up in a home with no earmarked private spaces—it’s a space where adults can indulge in sex and more of it.

I recall a conversation with my grandmother— we were visiting a cancer-struck relative and he was lying down uncomfortably in the living room. Concerned about the inconvenience the ailing relative would be experiencing, due to the frequent disturbances in the front room, I later asked my grandmother why the sick man wasn’t lying down comfortably in his bedroom. My grandmother was embarassed yet sad and she replied: “So unfortunate, the man can’t have a bedroom anymore”. I was then a 17 year old and only after some seconds did I understand what she meant— the married, middle aged man was a victim of cancer of the groin and the unfortunate illness meant he could not experience conjunal bliss. My grandmother’s unspoken words were– the man has now lost his right to use a bedroom in his own home! A clear case of understanding that a bedroom was only meant for sex!

In traditional societies the need for privacy and restricting others access to one’s bedroom is almost considered a ‘bad’ need. A daughter-in-law who expresses anger at her in-laws using her bedroom is perceived to be ‘bad’ or ‘difficult’. An aunty who does not like her nieces and nephews jumping on her bed is not a nice aunty. A young girl who tells her siblings not to ‘use’ her bedroom frequently is selfish or self-centred because she doesn’t love and share. A boy who attains puberty is conscious that his mother uses every opportunity to enter his bedroom to check his stuff—when he protests his mother is upset, and her silent communication is “son you’re now a big, bad boy and you don’t care for me anymore”!

Most of us enjoy our private space. But when we have too much space, people feel sorry for us. ‘Poor guy, he lives all alone in that big house.’ We’re happier to share with our loved ones and be loved- a youngster who shares his bedroom with visiting cousins, a couple who move out of their bedroom to accommodate guests, or a child who shifts from his room to the living room to make space for his grandparents. But sometimes and on some occasions we want no one else in our bedroom—and are livid because there is an intrusion into our space. In these moments it is important for others—parents, siblings, spouse, friends or relatives to respect our need, consider it normal human-rights to protest about the intrusion and not judge our behaviour. And also realise that it’s none of their business to know what we want to do when we’re alone.

Trouble is, in a city like Mumbai, and other over-populated cities, houses are small; so practical considerations take over and we are forced to be good children or adults who put up with life’s small inconveniences and ALWAYS ‘share’. In moments when we can’t have solitude even if we desperately want it, we rationalise on our ability to remain patient, tolerant and exercise mind control.

A recent social awareness campaign highlighted how you can behave like a socially responsible citizen and yet respect other’s space and not intrude into a family or couple’s privacy. The campaign aimed to create awareness on domestic violence shows neighbours hearing a woman’s shrieks from a flat— due to her husband or father’s beatings. The neighbours don’t call in the cops or come in a large group to embarrass the culprit. They don’t act like attention seeking heroes who ‘rescue’ the abused woman. One neighbour rings the doorbell—the beater man opens his home door—the neighbour asks the dazed looking beater if he can make a phone call, at which point the neighbour’s mobile phone rings—the neighbour walks out—the beater then looks very ashamed. A campaign that highlights the importance of acting responsibly, yet respecting other’s space— whoever they may be or whatever they maybe up to!